The past few days I’ve been antsy. Anxious in anticipation of something that is about to come. Then something happened today that made me realize how petty it was, and how I should be employing my energy towards greater things.

We had a riding lesson this morning. The heat was terrible and for the second half of the lesson I felt really out of it. The mare also seemed uncomfortable (she is a warmblood and I’ll bet she got exhausted rather quickly regardless of her high stamina). There were definitly larger scale attempts to dump me off her back, but none of them worked. Yet, due to being absolutely drained, all I could do was hang on. I didn’t really show her that it isn’t acceptable and that I won’t stand for this. So she kept doing it, and I kept sitting there.

After the lesson we walked towards the stables were C was kept. Although none of us has been on him in over a year, he is still one horse we always love to go say hi to and he seems to enjoy the attention, too. As we walked into the stables, we heard some really violent kicking. It was C. He sometimes kicks with his front legs for attention, so I told my siblings that maybe this isn’t a good time to go see him. We don’t want him learning that kicking will get him attention (and he got so much better about it lately, too). But my brother and sister noticed something that I did. His back leg (the one with the white sock) got stuck inside his box’s door. It is the spot that he sticks his head out of when he is “talking” to “smaller” people. The violent kicking was probably just him trying to get his leg free. When we went there, we saw that he was definitly not putting any weight on the leg with the white sock. He tried, but never for long enough. We informed people who are responsible for him, and asked that they tell the head stablehand. I mean, I really really really hope that it’s nothing. That he really wasn’t favouring that leg. He was sort of standing on it later on (after we went and had a freakout fest at our trainer). But I guess we were really worried so maybe we saw something that wasn’t there? His ears perked up when we tried to “talk” to him again and he would still try to follow us out.

I hope you’re ok, C.

This is scary for me because last night I had a very short dream that consisted of me saying that my horse is off (as in lame). It’s crazy because last year, I felt like I had such a great connection with C – one that I one day hope to have with an animal, any animal, that belongs to me. He seriously used to play “peek-a-boo” with us!

In other news, what other game will give you experience when you’re not playing? I’m not that into it anymore because it is starting to get dark and slightly depressing. This picture is from the first week.

So, college is finally officially over for me. The more I hung around Losersville, the more I wanted to embrace it and stay in it forever. Deep down I know that this is not the life I want, not the one I would enjoy. By nature, or perhaps nurture, the right thing for me would be to engage in several different activities at the same time. That’s just the lifestyle I hope for. I want to get up in the morning, and have a purpose. I want to have a job that takes most of the day, and I want to go back to University and get my Ba. I also want to continue studying French (and several other languages in the future), and ride horses in the evenings and weekend mornings. With University, this would be a very challenging lifestyle and I may even want to stop and pull out of it all but I have to try. I won’t know until I’ve had a taste of it.

Today, I witnessed and event that was a reflection of several dreams I had in the past few weeks. It is the most unbelievable connection, one that I never thought I would ever experience, especially not this soon. I’m sure if any of you even knew what I was talking about, you’ll laugh. I’ve secretly wanted this for many months and I just had no idea how literal people’s advice about it was. I just hope it’s all real… I want this fated day to come, and I want it to pass by well. In order to keep myself from being disappointed I’ll just say that … if it was meant to be, then it will be. If not, then there are always other options. I have no problem waiting another few years.

A relative who is starting her own business ( an abaya making shop ) sent us complimentary abayas in celebration of the launch. I found them absolutely beautiful. Mine is morrocan styled, with the hoodie. Viberant yellows and oranges dominated the scene, which is just my style really. I decided to wear mine to the spa the other day. Instead of letting the large hoodie hang behind me, I actually wore it on my head like a Jedi Knight. I am not sure if it is a common thing to wear them on one’s head in morrocan clothing, but I found it beautiful. I know for a fact that people laughed at me, to my face and behind my back, and tried to convince me that it is too colourful – but I don’t care. I will continue to proudly wear it!

When sorting out all my old things that have been kept in storage while my room was finished, I found one really old minature travel bag that I apparelty kept things in. It was such a blast from the past. Inside it were some books and notebooks, and these little gems if anyone remembers ever using them. As a child and early teenager I used to collect them. But I recall these three flavours shown in the pictures being my favourites.

Currently on hiatus. I just wanted you guys to know that I’m here. That I’ve been here. There have been a lot of things going around in my mind, many of which I really wanted to share. As the days went along and I continued with my daily chores, I simultaneously wrote entries in my head. Not just entries, but fiction too. On many occasions, I even finished this story. But as I got home, sat at my desk and put my fingers on the keyboard my mind went blank.

As little sense as that makes to me, it has been happening quite often recently. When I was growing up, writing was my one and only companion that was there whether it was winter or summer, school or holidays. It was my weapon against loneliness, my shelter against boredom and my cure against insomnia. But as I go back in time to try to have an understanding of ‘what happened there?‘, it all comes together. The pieces of the puzzle become clearer.

When I wrote cure against insomnia, I started to wonder how true that really was. Didn’t writing several different stories throughout my teenage years keep me up late, sometimes even till morning? The truth of the matter remins, yet, that is not how it started out. At the beginning, I couldn’t sleep until I’ve continued imagining a story in my head – a story of which I’ve already written several parts of. A few nights would pass and the ideas would still be in my head, I would refuse to write them down because I wanted to enjoy them some more, as unnatural as that sounds. Because I knew that once I wrote them down, my ability to mold them in whatever shape I wished would cease. They already had a shape, a known form and I would not be able to imagine anything beyond it.

Perhaps it is not that I have no ideas to write about, it is just that I unknowingly wanted to make something great out of them. I want to enjoy them a little more. I want to use, abuse & exploit them till I was sure what sort of cake should come out of the oven in the end. Perhaps my hesitation comes from the question that fills the mind of everyone that is about to present something, “would anyone actually want to read it?”

For now, and until I figure things out, have a preview of some product reviews that I may write.

Both S the warmblood mare and S the little Arabian gelding are extremely opinionated and active. If there was something they didn’t like, you would soon know. All we had to do was prove to them that we mean business, and that the little tricks they play will not let them off the hook. After riding both of them for a while, so I got used to it and I almost always got my way in the end. That day, it had been a while since I’ve been on her last. We had a good run, and even started going at some low jumps. I liked to approach jumps energetically, and if I felt her energy dying down (in my experience it usually meant the horse was either going to run out … or refuse) and my legs weren’t doing the trick, I would give her a light swish with my bat. It often did the trick (never use bat w/o leg).

However, sometime near the end of the lesson, right before the turn preceeding the jump, she started to slow down and “die out”. I’m not really sure if it was the swish or something else, but she didn’t just regain her impulsion, but gained quite a bit of energy. She did a little crowhop and then started cantering towards… well, somewhere. My upperbody flew forwards. I was so sure that I was going to end up head first right under her. I’m also pretty sure I was growling throughout the ordeal. There was no way I was going to regain my seat with that speed. With my feet still in the stirrups and knees… come to think of it, I have no idea what my knees were doing, I threw my arms around her neck and clung for dear life. All my eyes could fall on were her front legs in motion, and her neck a voice screamed in my head, “I don’t want to fall, I DON’T WANT TO FALL,”.

And I didn’t!

It wasn’t the first time she did this, but it certainly wasn’t the last. We took some time to calm down before attempting to jump again. First time around after that was fine, the second time she did the same thing. Did a little dance at the same turn and cantered away (maybe her way of trying to refuse the jump? Or perhaps this is how she tests riders?). This time, though, I stuck on! We jumped, warmed down… and the lesson ended. But I didn’t win the battle, it wasn’t over – not just yet. We went for a walk around outside the school just for the heck of it. There was this one turn that most riders used when returning from lessons (but I never take it). I urged her forwards past it. She took a few steps, stopped (as if she had just realized the major flaw in my way of directing her) then quickly went back where she believes we should go. She had such strong belief that I was not going to take her where we should go. It was quite actually funny. Never in my life have I actually felt that a horse was yelling at me. Till now, I have not found a way to properly describe it in a way that truly convays how amusing I found it.

Oh, and by the way. I did recieve my copy of Persona 3 FES on the same way that I did Guild Wars, but I’m not going to play it till I’m done with my New Game+ in my old game. My save file is at the final month at the moment and has found lots of great Persona and is at a high level, which is why I think it’s important that I use this file to start a new game with. Though as far as I know, the new chapter in the game will not use any existing save files and pretty much stands alone.

Today, I found myself in total infatuation with MAC’s paint pots. I’ve got one in Layin’ Low, which is just as the name suggests, perfect for every morning of the week. Thinking of looking into another colour but I’ll have to go down there to try them before making a decision… that is if I get one at all.

I also find myself addicted to a certain leather goods boutique. This is not something that I would admit easily since I feel I am betraying my one true love, and it has been good to me for years. But it isn’t really like that. It’s not really betrayal, is it? Who is my new fling, you ask? Well, I’m keeping this one to myself for now… only till I’m sure that it’s not just a fling.

One more thing before I call it a night. This happened. I don’t know how, I don’t know why & I don’t know how long it will last. Nevertheless, it happened.

Now that the internship is over, I will just prepare to send out some more job applications to various different places. However, I’m still unsure about how I should respond if asked to go down for an interview, I want to continue my education. On that note, please pray for me. I’ve already applied to go back to university next september. If you think it’ll help, please keep me in your thoughts.

My sister found an old application form for SU. Apparently, I filled that out long before I recieved my acceptance letter at my current school. I have no recollection of it. Guess what my first major choice was. Maybe I’ve always had a clear image of what I wanted no matter how much I’ve tried to convince myself otherwise – even when I reached the finish line and then decided that I may have made a mistake.

This week, I recieved two things that I have longed for. Two things that I cannot believe I was ever worried about. Needless to say, now that the moment has passed – I don’t think I’ll ever be able to blog about them.

In the spirit of summer, one wonders if it can get any fruitier than this. Any takers?